They say peace is boring, if that much is true, Why am I always running toward some pursuit?

The past couple of days, I have been engulfed in the world known as The Hunger Games. I could blog about my love for the series, but then this would be the longest blog of all time, no actually a Vampire Diaries or Glee blog would probably be longer. I’m such a nerd sometimes, but I’ve accepted it.  So I wrote this song, a couple of days ago, this liberating and invigorating song, that kind of metaphorically talks about things that I went through, so I’m going to share the lyrics with you.

I see you sitting there so beautiful, so calm, and so poised.
I see them, laughing at your awkwardness, but they can’t see your strength.
 Oh little bird, with your wings torn and hurt, wanting desperate to fly, as you gaze at the sky.
When they open the cage, It is time to be brave. Stretch out your wings, and let yourself be free.
Look at them, poking at your broken wings, but they don’t see… you’re healing.
So let them prod. Let them stare on down at you, cause soon you’ll soar where they can’t reach.
Here it comes, doors undone.
Spread your wings and fly through the pain.
Feel the wind as you soar. The world is yours.
Oh pretty bird, flying strong and so sure.
You went after your dreams, and now we can be free.

Growing up, I struggled with a lot, like any normal preteen/ teenage girl. Like any normal woman. I struggled with self acceptance, body image issues, depression, peer pressure, the urge to make everyone happy, and at the root of  it all, anxiety. The first couple years of high school, I let my anxiety control me so much to the point where I was having anxiety “attacks” that consisted of hyperventilation, whenever I became too worried or too stressed. It was horrible. I was finally able to get past the craziness, and after 10^th grade I stopped having the attacks, but anxiety still seemed to follow me everywhere. I worried too much about what people would think if I did certain things.  I would hear sometimes that a person disapproved of something I was doing, or made a comment about a passion I was pursuing and it would destroy me.

This past year, I knew I had to stop letting my life be controlled by people, and by my doubts. It affected my health, my confidence, my actions, I couldn’t be me. I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin when I was around anyone that wasn’t Jen or Joe. I constantly found myself mentally beating myself up after every conversation I would have with people, asking myself, “why did I say that/ why did I do that?”  I knew that I needed to surrender all my problems to God, I knew that I needed to find peace. But knowing is completely different  then acting on  knowledge, although Knowledge of a problem is certainly the first step.

After letting myself be controlled and letting people’s opinions break me, and hurt me. After locking my personality away in fear of saying or doing something wrong, I finally found freedom. Yes, surrendering it all to God is definitely the first step. Knowing that HE is in control and that his plan is far greater than anything imaginable, knowing that he wanted joy for me was extremely comforting. Knowing that he died for me to be free, and that by not letting myself experience that freedom, I was being ungrateful, and throwing his gift in his face. By not being who I am, the person he created me to be, I was hurting him. The more I open my mind, and my heart to what God has to show me, the more he WILL. It is still a daily battle, not to let the stress take over. In the mornings, I have to sit and I have to be still. I have to close my eyes, and create mental images of me exhaling all of the negativity, and inhaling all of the positivity. It used to take a second before I found the inner peace, but the more I find it, the easier it becomes to access. And now when I start to feel the knots twisting at my stomach, and in my chest, I just have to close my eyes, and breathe. Now all of my joy, my energy, my positivity, it’s authentic.

Authenticity to me, was always a battle. How are you supposed to always be who you are, if you don’t always know you are?  But God knows who I am, and he LOVES MW.  My husband, my best friends, my family, they know who I am and they love me too. So all this anxiety over people’s acceptance, over my own acceptance, is pointless. The people who love you…for you, are the people  who belong in your life. The people who support you when you want to make positive changes, God gave them to you. Writing that song was liberating for me, and so was writing this blog, because I know lot of people don’t know any of this. I had a friend tell me once that “nothing ever seemed to phase me.”, when hours before I had been crying. I know that in order to be  truly peaceful and authentic, and joyful, I have to be honest. So now after sharing all this, after writing all this, I’m free to truly let it all go. The peace that has engulfed me whole these past couple of months, it’s more groundbreaking and incredible than people realize.

"Be Still and Know that I am God" Psalm 46:10

 My best friend always called me a hippie because I truly do believe in love, peace, and happiness (I also love nature and animals an obsessive amount). I believe if we all let ourselves truly experience these three things, and explore what they are, then we can change  so many people’s lives, just by them being around us. We have the ability to inspire, and to not use that ability is wrong. So  to anyone with struggles (everyone), as Redeeming Love taught me, take a shoe box and cut a hole in the top. Every time you have something that you are stressing over, every time you have a prayer request, every time you have something in your life, that you don’t know the answer to, write it down. Put it in the box, and as soon as it is in the box, realize that it’s not your problem anymore. Every once in a while, revisit  the box, pull out the papers, and read through them. And throw away all the problems solved, and prayers answers, and if there are none, just know that God is working on them, and in us, and creating a better solution then we could even begin to realize. As I learned, we are stronger then we realize, and in the areas we lack, God’s strength is more than enough.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.