Thank you: Whispers

Thank YOU  for existing. Thank you for making me laugh harder then i've laughed. I think that I would laugh so hard, I couldn't breathe, every time we were together. Thank you for all of the spontaneous dance sessions we had together. Thank you for all of those lazy days, when we didn't give a crap about what we looked like and we laid around all day knitting or watching TV. Thank you for chasing down the ice cream truck with me that day, even though you were sick. Remember the whispers? That was so hilarious. I tried so hard to stop laughing. Thank you for making up that one thing about that one situation to that one person, so we could go to that one place :)  And we just drove, not a care in the world, we drove and we shopped. We listened to music, we had the moon roof open, and we laugh and there was all the time in the world. We left Michigan and felt like a weight had been lifted off our shoulders, like we weren't stuck, and we could just leave the state on a whim. I thought that was one of the best days, but then there was saugatuck. We were one with nature and we felt so free and so close. To quote one of my favorite books, "In that moment, I swear we were infinite. "
       Thank you for making me smile when he made me sad. I wanted to cry but we tried to get tattoos, and got scared by a homeless man who didn't want bread, and then we talked and talked until you made me feel better. Thank you SO much. You really really helped me. Thank you for those times you generously gave your time and resources. For those times you helped me and my friends without expecting anything in return. Thank you for that time you brought me tea, and for that time he bought me lunch, and brought us sushi. I know that was because of you.
       I know that words were said, because I was hurt, and sad, but if you believe anything, believe this letter, because this journal (it started in my journal) is where I wear my heart on my sleeve. Thank you for all of our mischief too. I was just avoiding doing mischief everyday, for my own reasons, but i've had a blast doing it every once in awhile. I needed those experiences. Thank you. Thank you for helping me to become more independent. A lady needs her independence. Remember at Hopcat when I lost the keys? We tried to hide it but we were caught? haha we weren't the sneakiest.
      Thank you for the times we listened to vinyls and just relaxed. Remember the time the house was filled with smoke and we didn't even notice? Remember how I almost burned my kitchen down, but Vampire Diaries saved the day? Thank you for trying Octopus that one day. You were so adorably disgusted. Remember thanksgiving? We ate so much food. How about sushi moto and vanilla coke? I giggled so much. Remember how we quit my garage sale? Garage sale fail. We made so many memories in such a short amount of time. Seeing you always brightened my day. Remember when we were accidentally an hour late to church? I have that on video and laugh every single time I watch it.
        I remember two weeks before the stupid fallout. I had told Joe that you would be in my life forever. I still wonder how it all fell apart. We just weren't strong enough I guess. Remember our last time we hung out? We sat on the floor together, hiding from the  world. We talked and laughed and felt so comfortable. That feels like a lifetime ago. I miss it sometimes. Thank you for all the little notes and drawings you used to leave me. Thank you for trusting me with your secrets, which I plan on keeping until the day I die. Thank you for being as friend infatuated as I was. We hated being in separate cars, or just separated in general. If there is one thing you take from this, know that I always cared so much about you and you meant, you MEAN so much to me. So thank YOU  for letting me know you. Love you always and wish you all the amazing dreams in the world.

Thank you: Fly So High

When a friendship falls apart, it's so easy to focus on all the negativities. To tell yourself you're better off. It's so sad to see what friendship can become. Something so special and enriching, something that brings you so much happiness becomes a source of pain. It becomes hostile. It shouldn't be. Theres a quote that says,  "never regret something that once made you smile." When friendship falls apart, instead of feeling regret, instead of focusing on the sadness, you should celebrate the fact that it once brought you so much happiness. So I choose to be thankful for all the joy and memories those past friendships brought me, and so begins a series of 'thank you letters', because despite all the pointless drama toward the end, the friendships were truly beautiful.

Thank you.
Thank you for existing. Thank you for helping me find the love of my life. I'm not sure we would have found our way to each other, had it not been for you. Thank you for making me feel like I belonged. That there was someone out there that truly knew me, and loved me despite all my flaws. There was someone who understood me. Thank you for showing me how to be myself. You broke through this old soul and taught me to have a young heart. You taught me to be light on my feet, to have fun, to rise above peoples opinions. You helped shape me, you helped me become the woman I am today. Thank you for that time at the retreat, when I couldn't stop crying. You hugged me, then made a little quip and made me laugh... so hard, which made you laugh of course. Thank you for screaming with me that whole hayride. Thank you for loving all the celebrities and characters I loved, because we could discuss them as if they were our mutual friends. Thank you for getting him to admit he liked me at the school dance. It was such a high school moment, that I giggle when I think of it. Thank you for believing in me, and teaching me to believe in myself. You gave me confidence when I had none. You were always my biggest fan, in more ways then a one. You believed in my music, you even helped inspire some of it. Thank you for always standing up for me. You always had my back. Thank you for giving me a friendship that was always void of competition or jealousy. A friendship filled with so much love and support. Thank you for giving me so much more then a best friend. You gave me a sister, and that was something I always wanted. You and I from a family full of boys, were finally able to have sisters. A sister to come to family camp and Christmases. Remember when we danced in front of the Christmas tree? Remember all the trouble we would get into? We were always so mischievous. There are so many stories that I will tell my children someday. Trust that your memory will never be forgotten. You were going to be their godmother, you know? I couldn't think of a more amazingly bright ray of light to shine in my children's lives. So I will make sure that you will be apart of their lives in some way. Even if it's just funny stories about our adventures that they hear about. Remember Cassies me n you? We loved that song. You know, someday even if we are 80 years old, i hope we take one last picture on the dunes. Ah the dunes. Silver lake will always have a special place in my heart for so many reasons, and you are a lot of them. Remember that day we sat on the side of the road cause it was so sunny out, while we waited for Joe to get the car fixed? Remember our weird dance? Do you hear something? That noise... We always loved sunshine more then the average person. It made us so happy. We loved just about everything. We were always awesome like that. Thanks for all those times you laid on the floor with me and listened to music, that helped me way more then you realized, especially when that family drama happened. You really helped me through that. You let me cry, or laugh, or sit silently and you never judged the way I grieved. Remember how our hair kept accidentally getting cut short? We were so frustrated.  How about mint lip gloss, bratz, tommy and jude, champagne and limos, hiking the ledges, the dot in the sand, butterfly fly so high. I could go on and on, but seven years is really hard to summarize. So I guess I will stay thank you for letting me know you. It was such an honor and a privilege, and nothing will ever change that. We never stood against each other, but we stood side by side. Your strength constantly inspired me. When you had so many obstacles, or people standing against you, you stood strong, chin up, smile on your face. I never had any doubts in defending you, you inspired me so much. You were just SO many things I loved. I wish I could have been the same for you... and by the way. Happy Birthday.

A Paris Moment

I had a Paris moment last night and it was tres magnifique! My wonderful husband drew a hot bath for me, in the white porcelain, vintage claw footed tub that sat in the corner of a large, open bath room. The lights were dimmed to only candlelight and the faint sparkling of the moon through the sky roof and onto the marble tiled floor. Coeur de Pirate softly played in the background as I sat in the tub, red wine in my hand, hair gathered a top my head, as the hot water warmed my bones. My body, only illuminated by the soft glow of the hot buttered rum scented candle and moonlight. The door was closed, and looking around the room, feeling the content spark in my chest, I could have sworn I was in  Paris.

The Cottage

One of my favorite places in the world is in Michigan. The cottage. Laying on the carpeted loft floor, scribbling words in a journal as sunshine streams through the glass windows, and then through the cracks of the railings, and onto my face. Looking through the cracks, you can see the snowy lake, sparkling as the sunlight gleams on its surface. The trees still carry a semblance of color as their red leaves pop amongst an otherwise colorless landscape. Everything is calm and quiet. Theres not a problem in the world that doesn't fade away with the smell of the northern air and sound of squirrels chirping as they scavenge for food.These places, these moments, this is what makes Michigan so beautiful. If I could stay up here, locked away from the world, writing, learning french, reading with my other half forever, then I would. But alas, the real world must always get in the way.

A Michigan Valentine

I rode passenger to him, as he silently drove us up north. It was a comfortable silence. I stared out the window at the silhouette of the snowy pine trees. He chuckled at me as I practiced french adjectives. Every once in a while he'd say them too, curious to see how the words would sound on his foreign tongue. To me, it sounded beautiful. But he could say anything to me with those perfect lips and I would flutter about. Our pearl SUV winded around the twisty roads as I carefully watched for deer. I had yet to ever harm the graceful creature, and I wasn't about to start now. When we finally reached our destination, we noticed the foot of snow covering the driveway. There was no other option, We parked at the bottom of the hill and grabbed our backpacks as we began to trek through the cold and fluffy powder. We went up the hill as fast as we could, laughing when our feet would go to deep. Finally we made it inside. The flowery fresh smell of the air flooded our nostrils. It was so great to be back. He told me to sit down and relax as he started a fire. Soon enough, the fire began to roar and crackle as I sat, snuggled under a knit blanket. Carla Bruni and her album, "Little French Songs" played softly in the background. I stared out the window at the frozen lake, shimmering under the full moon. He scurried around the kitchen, preparing a diner he had planned, as I sat peacefully soaking in every moment. Dinner was ready as I walked over to the carefully set table and saw penne pasta, smoked salmon alfredo, and two soft crab cakes, along with two glasses filled with merlot that he had gifted to me earlier. He was my Michigan Valentine, and he was perfect.

After the Cafe

I felt like a TV character. Except the one I was playing was better then any that I had ever seen. The scenery was lush. Greenery everywhere, a slight breeze on a sunny day. We walked into the white walled boutique, that smelled of wildflowers. We sifted through the racks and fell in love with the unique designs and patterns. We tried on clothing upon clothing, giggling in our temporary nighties, and smiling as the sun rays streamed through the open windows. We quickly made friends with the boutique owner, who chuckled at our love of boho and quirky fashion. She gave us discounts and we walked out smiling, reading to take on more shops, and take on we did. Bikini tops at my very first lingerie boutique(I had never felt so grown up in my life), accessories at the boho chic boutique at the corner, lusting over anthropology. It was a day of shopping very well spent. We then sauntered over to a chocolate boutique to top off our girly day. Frozen caramel hot chocolate hit the spot(but is it really hot chocolate if it isn't hot?) Then we decided to end our visit at what I will now and forever consider the greatest store of all time. The oxford exchange. It was packed fill with everything I loved. Part indie, organic market, park bookstore, part tea lounge, part greenhouse, part eclectic boutique, all residing in what appeared to formerly be a vintage train station, or printing press, very much reminiscent of London. I was in love. I couldn't decide if I wanted to live in Tampa, London, or Paris(my heart was still very much at that cafe). Parting was such sweet sorrow but that day will forever be one of the best and most informative. Although it didn't do much to calm my wanderlust. Maybe it's not meant to be calmed.

While at the Cafe: Volume 2

Now for the other floodgate. Back to the father. He was peaceful. You could tell because he just had that aura to him (I'm a huge believer in a certain brand of auras). He had no laptop or smartphone in sight, just a book, a journal, and a baby hanging out on his lap. It led me to believe that he was a simple man who enjoyed life's simple pleasures. Not unlike his little baby blue. He was dedicated to the idea of father/ son time, even though his child would not remember these moments. But looking at this peaceful child, you could tell that this man was doing something right. Was it possible that his gentle, peaceful aura had so rapidly rubbed off onto his child? My friend said the other day that you could tell a lot about a person by looking at their child.  Is that true? If it is, were all my fears verified? I was so afraid to have children. Afraid that any flaws I picked up from my family would be passed down to my child, or afraid that I would somehow psychologically damage the child. I did not want to be responsible for that. But then I realized, what a cowardly thing to say. What an excuse. Everyday has been an effort to be more positive, to make great changes, to find joy and happiness in everything. The person I am now, from who I was five months ago is a completely different person. You don't want your kid to pick up your bad habits? Change them. Life is so much easier to navigate when actually making an effort. Strive to be a better person always. For God, for your spouse, for your children, your friends and for yourself.

While At The Cafe...

As I sat, sipping my tea, I observed this man and his baby. What made this particular experience resound in my mind, was the piercing blue eyes of the maybe six month old child. As I giggled and chatted with my friend, I felt the penetrating gaze of baby blue eyes. I turned to my right, and I saw the father sitting, drinking coffee and reading a book as the baby silently faced us and sat on his fathers lap, observing us. He looked as though he could see through us with big sky blue eyes, filled with so much wisdom and understanding. I thought to myself, "What a strange place to take your child." But the baby couldn't have been more content.
          We instinctively called out to the child and spoke in our typical high pitched female voice that women save just for animals and children. The child gave us a tiny knowing grin, like he was acknowledging us but also letting us know that he would continue to observe us, and observe he did. I remarked to his father at how well behaved he was, and his father gave a small shrug, as if to say, "Why wouldn't he be well behaved?" The father then talked about how once a week, they had father/son time. No matter how busy his workday got, they would continue to have that time because father/son time was important. He included that little baby blue also loved sunshine and needed mornings like that. The baby suddenly smiled, as if he agreed and then open were the floodgates of my thoughts spilling out.
           First of all, babies truly are little people. It was never more obvious to me then it was in that moment. Which makes abortion seem even more ridiculous and heartbreaking to me, but thats a whole different topic. Babies are us, but at different stages in our lives. I know, obvious. In so many ways, we are obviously smarter then children. It makes sense. The more days you live, the more things you learn and experience, and from experience comes wisdom. Plus theres the whole brain development thing. But what about maturity? Maturity is a word so often thrown about and misunderstood. Quite like the word love. Theres spiritual maturity and physical maturity(which is what most definitions of mature, seem to refer to), but then there's that kind of world defined maturity.  If you're youthful and fun, you may come across as immature, and people may say that you'll grow out of it. I think that is just a way for people to feel better about their own lives by looking down on people who are actually enjoying theirs. But  still, I think there is a different kind of maturity, that we learn as children, but forget as we get older. Or maybe we are just born that way as children. Maybe children are just the purest, most untouched forms of our souls.
            Maybe somewhere deep inside, beyond all the heartbreak and bull****, is a little child deep inside that the world tells us to suppress. That child sees a world of wonder and beauty. Babies obviously have flaws. They're afraid of everything, and something is always making them cry, but babies are the most resilient little humans. Sure they'll cry, but two seconds later, they're laughing their butts off, because you said, "Peekaboo!" Babies enjoy things, truly enjoy them, and don't even get me started on the unconditional love thing.  Babies(and animals) love the crap out of you. They always want to be around you, don't notice all the mistakes you're making, or the fact that sometimes you don't know what the heck you are doing. All they see is you trying, and loving them, and thats enough. Not to mention that they're still crazy about you. When did we forget to love like that? When did we become so shrewd, and judgmental. We could learn a lot from babies. We could learn to not close off our hearts, even when we've been wronged, to love openly and unashamedly, to love people just for being themselves and not expecting anything in return. To view the world with awe. To see the beauty and wonder in everything and everyone. To giggle and laugh so hard, your face turns red. To just enjoy the moment instead of worrying about the future. Just be in the present. If those things are what the world classifies as "immature" then i'll take it.

A Lovely Morning

I felt like an independent woman that day. A classy hippie who embraced every aspect of life in all the subtle ways. I spent the day with one of my best girlfriends. The person who I feel truly understands, accepts and loves me out of almost anyone in the world. She wasn't my oldest friend, or one of those friends you see all the time, who knows all the details of your day to day, but she was the friend that you almost didn't notice was there. Not because she was dull or quiet, but because you are so completely yourself and open around her, in a way that you aren't with anyone. Whether or not it would always be like that, she would always have a special place in my heart and soul, for making me be able to feel like that, and for giving me this day. This day to be so free. This day to let my inner spirit shine, and just say, do, and feel whatever I wanted to. We started off the morning in the loveliest way. We sat street side, drinking our coffee and tea, sunlight beating on the sides of our faces. It was the loveliest cafe, that bled Paris. The most beautiful french music played over the speakers. Then and there,  I swore to learn french. Our waitress was quiet, but she had the french class all over her. Bright pink hair, a sparkling smile, and youth and mischief in her eyes. My spirit was flowing with contentment and the word lovely never seemed so perfect an adjective as it was to describe that breakfast experience. The food by the way, was phenomenal. Banana bread french toast. Need I say more?

A Lazy Florida Day

It was an unconventionally wonderful day. We slept in until 11. We were in no rush to do anything. We just fell onto the couch and turned on The Vampire Diaries. It was our favorite TV show, so much so that we had toured the set a couple summers back. We ate puppy chow, the healthy kind, due to us both being such nutrition fanatics. We quietly watched, enthralled by the interactions and attached, as if we had formed life long friendships with the characters. Every so often we would comment, squeak or remark on what was happening on the screen. For a second, my gaze wandered off to the balcony doors. The curtains were pulled to the side, and even though it was a chilly day, the sunshine streamed through the window. I swiftly stood, and pressed my bare toes against the cream, plush carpeting, and walked out onto the balcony, breathing in the scent of fresh laundry, that lingered in my nostrils as I sat back down to watch the television. My gaze flickered back to the doors and noticed deep green palms leaning over the balcony. I looked at one of my best friends in the world and sighed in contentment. This day was wonderful, and for the simplest of reasons.

Florida Nights

I remember stepping off the plane.  The plane ride had been filled with screaming children, Xander and Cassia(A book I was reading), a drunk housewife next to me shooting back coke and Bacardi, but none the less, as the landing strips appeared beneath us, i realized I had made it. But I remember the feeling of stepping off the plane. I had friend butterflies. I couldn't wait to see her. She said it was cold, but it felt amazing. I could wear flip flops after all. She made me laugh, because she was all layered up in winter gear. She always makes me laugh. We were starving so we went to the hulk hogans restaurant, and felt so out of place. It was like we had entered the jersey shore. Juicehead gorillas everywhere. Yes I watched the jersey shore... embarrassing. So we went to Bahama Breeze instead. . It was so wonderful, just what you would expect of a beachy restaurant. I loved it so much. Our waiter was puerto rican, which I instantly recognized, due to the fact that he looked like he was one of my cousins. His name was Christian. I was introduced to new friends, I love new people, we sat together, we laughed together. There were cheese grits, which if anyone knows me at all, they know that makes any occasion awesome. There was Miami vice, my new favorite drink, i'm sure. And there were coffee entrepreneurs, which in case anyone is curious, we actually were trying to say connoisseurs, but somehow the phrasing was all messed up. Kind of the way she said, on the brisk, instead of on the cusp. Some of these stories may be uneventful to the reader, but the me, I see a perfect, crisp, Florida evening with great people, and that is a story worth telling.

D12

D12, Rainbow kissed skyline, Independence.
Independence coursing through my veins.
British accents, sparkling peach black tea, linoleum.
Greasy food from the cafe next door.
Pleather chairs, cold and stiff.
Fuji apple Pear life Water.
Text messages from afar.
Pencil to paper.
Uninterrupted hours, Olympic update
Buildings clothed in shadows.
Me, just me an the world.
Stained carpets.

Everyone waits to go on their next adventure.
We all aim toward the same goal, waiting for our mechanical bird to fly us through the skies, but we all approach it so uniquely. Some with impatience, some desperate to kill the time, some so absorbed in each other or in their other activities, or the food they eat. They barely recognize the beauty of the chaotic symmetry that surrounds them. Our minds are so full, so aware, but are we aware of all the wrong? Is that what causes our anxiety and our stress? Not enough deep breaths or pauses. Too busy in the past or future to appreciate the present? This moment? Our surroundings? This is what feeds our soul. Ponder carefully how you choose to feed it and what you choose to feed it with. This building, so cold, so formal, so bare, yet full of so many stories, homecomings, goodbyes, new journeys, end of journeys, A breath of fresh air after a time of being lost. So many warm bodies, passing each other, not knowing each others names, barely even noticing each other. We are all too self absorbed. As I write this I realize the amount of time I am wasting, making sure my words are out, like they are so important, like they will change a thing, but you can say all the words you want. You can learn all the things in the world , and have more "eureka" moments then anyone, but unless you are a true living model of all your eurekas, your life will never progress and your mind will be nothing but wasted potential.

Plaid suitcases, tennis shoes.
Darkened skylines, lights sparkling in the distance.

I am no better, and no worse then my surroundings, and in this moment, we are all the same. In this moment, we are no more or no less important then one another, as we wait to go on the same plane, to the same destination. Everything we've been through, everyone we've come across has led us to this moment. This fated moment. And now we wait. Wait....