The road to Portland.

I think I was born with music in my veins. Flowing through me, pumping blood. I sang my way through my early years. Writing songs about the curtains, and the gross amount of peas on my plate. I remember my childhood through music. My parents slow dancing and singing endless love , eyes locked the entire time. When I was at a sleepover and we sang a bewitched song and I felt so popular. When I was lonely and bullied at girl scout camp, and the song “I’m going to eat some worms” kept being sang over and over again, to reinforce my feelings. And then there were those early teenaged years that seemed to last a lifetime. When I was struggling with anxiety, depression, and overpowering self image issues. I would feel so much pain, and then I would feel nothing at all, and i’m not sure what was better. Music became my entire life, I learned guitar and wrote song after song, I search magazines and the Internet for free downloads so that I could listen to music to take me away. Music saved me.

As long as I could remember I’ve had this foot in mouth syndrome. Words begin coming out of my mouth before I had a chance to formulate the sentences in my brain. Everyone also said it was me saying whatever I was thinking but it was always so far from the truth. My brain has always been this constant overlapping wave of analyzing, music, emotions, and more. I was never able to shut it off. I developed the habit at an early age in which I realized that if you keep talking, then people never ask you what’s on your mind, because they think they know. It started off very controlled until I realized it had become its own monster. I became afraid to talk about myself in any way at all because I would think something and then something else entirely would come out and I would think to myself, what am I saying? That’s not what I mean at all. That’s not even how I feel on that topic. Writing and music became the ways that I felt like I could truly speak.

And there’s Jesus. Oh there’s Jesus. Worshipping God takes me to this whole different level and into this whole entire world where everything is strong yet fluttery, and oh so vibrant. There is no one else in that world but God and I. I can be completely and wholly myself and I am completely and wholly loved. It’s the most beautiful thing. It shakes me to my core, to the point where I find it hard to stand. To the point where all that I want to do, it lay on the ground, eyes closed completely enveloped in his presence. There is nothing greater then the combination of music and God, two things of which I was surely made for.

I was always afraid to admit what I wanted. Everyone who can carry a tune wants to be a singer. Every person who can carry a tune seemed to go to church and was so much better then me, more spiritual then me or more knowledgeable then me. And who was I? I was a mess. I was not even remotely suited for this. I kept my passions and my dreams to myself, because they weren’t anything that hadn’t been heard before.  But as I began to be involved in my church, I started realizing that I was made for it. I was made for love. I was made for worship. I am a worshipper. I wasn’t born with music in my veins for nothing. I was born to use it to further God’s kingdom. Not to say that there were not obstacles in the way. My past doubts filled me with fear, everytime that I would stumble. Over and over again obstacles of all kinds were thrown at me, and over and over again I would question myself. I would tell myself that I wasn’t made to do it, that I wasn’t strong enough and more. If anyone wants to know more about these things, you’re welcome to ask me, i’d love to share how much my life was impacted.   When I had finally come to the conclusion four years ago that I was supposed to be a worship leader, I applied to Great Lakes Christian college and other schools, after being accepted in, I realized that tuition is 20,000 dollars a year. Not wanting to create that debt, I prayed and asked God to provide me with an alternative if he really wanted this for me. I didn’t really go out of my way to find scholarships, because that doubt in my brain told me that it was a sign. I obviously was not meant to do this or else it would be easy.  I thought about it again 2 more years ago. A lot of my close friends were worship leaders and I saw the amount of organizational, responsibility and management skills that it took to do the job. Of course, if you know me at all you know that all that stuff freaks me out. Peter pan was my favorite movie because I loved the idea of being a kid forever. Give me never land any day, and keep responsibility far from me. Not only that but I could never hurt someone’s feelings, or scold someone, or tell someone to improve. I convinced myself again that because those skills were not my strengths, then they would be something I could never do and therefore, I was not meant for it.

Then one day out of nowhere and completely unexpectedly, the job that I was working for asked me to become the manager. It wasn’t the most surprising thing in the world because I have always been a hard worker and have always put my all into even the tiniest tasks but it also terrified me. I now had to manage all the workers, make sure they were doing their jobs, keep the store organized, deal with customers, etc. The thing was, I was actually really good at it. I loved organizing, and coming up with ideas to make the place better.  I wasn’t as good at the bossing people around thing, because every time I hurt someone’s feelings, I would want to cry, but I realized I COULD do it. Ultimately I realized that it was not where I was suppose to be but as I walked away, while simultaneously facing challenges on worship team at church, I realized 100 percent that this is what I was meant to do.

The word Oregon had been everywhere at that point. Joe and I had been itching to travel, itching to get out of Lansing if at least for a time. We I made a list of everything we would want in a place if we ever moved, and someone told us, sounds like Portland Oregon. At different times randomly people would tell me that they felt like I would love Oregon.  I would watch movies or shows and they happened to be in Oregon, a place that I had stalked from afar multiple times over the years. There were other states Joe and I considered but we found things that we disliked about all of them, and the same goes with schools that we found.  Finally one day I was like you know what? Just for fun, I’m going to google and see if there’s a worship school in Portland Oregon. Portland Bible College immediately came up. I almost didn’t click on the link, because I knew it would be another 20,000 dollar tuition. I felt the urge to press on so I did and found out that tuition was only 2,500  a year! I felt my heart skip a beat and ran to tell my husband. We did a lot of research on the school, and realized that it right, and then boom here we are. Moving in less then a week. It’s insane.  I have so much fear, uncertainty about so many things, but we are moving forward, following our dreams and following God’s calling over our lives.
SO here are the facts:
1.It's called Portland Bible College
2.I am going for the 2 year Associates Degree Worship Leadership avenue.
3. It could possibly lead to a 4 year worship ministry bachelor degree but i'm just focusing on the 2 years for now.
4.Our house is not sold yet, we own it free and clear thank goodness so we aren't making payments. but hey if anyone wants to buy a house in west lansing...hollaaa
5. We don't have an apartment there yet.  We plan on it being small and possibly a studio, we aren't concerned about the size, we just need a bed,bathroom and food and we are set.  We have it narrowed down to a select few, we are  staying in a hotel and choosing when we get there, so we can look at the area.
6. We are taking the smallest of u hauls for our 34 hour cross country journey.
7. Yes the animals are coming with us?!? Would you leave YOUR kids back home?!
8. Joe will we working with his family still from home via computer and all that jazz
9. I know it rains a lot in Portland. It rains all winter long, and has the most beautiful of summers. Ya know like how lansing rains all spring and fall?! I know all about it, I love rain it so happens so yay!! I even have brand new rain boots
10. Our familes are amazing and supportive and so are our friends. <3
11. I'M NOT MOVING BECAUSE I'M A HIPSTER. I resent this accusation. ;)


I could go on and on, because there’s so much more that I have to share but I have so much packing to do, but I wanted to share this with my loved ones because you all deserve it. You have all been so supportive and we are so thankful.  I know this is probably  full of spelling errors, and bad grammar but I’m posting anyway for now and hoping that If  I ever get a moment, I will fix them all.  Please feel free to ask my any questions(I have this REALLY AWESOME dream that worship ministry is going to open the door to and I would love to talk about it, Ill write another blog on it someday.) Love you all so SO much!!

Be Real, Don't Conceal: Wedding Bells

So my best friend is getting married and the past month has been pretty packed full of events for her wedding. It’s been so much fun! I don’t really have much to say in this post, because honestly there isn’t much to say. Besides the fact that living a makeup free life has obviously been a very liberating experience for me, it’s also become like second nature.  My instinct when looking in the mirror is no longer to cover or accentuate anything. I just am what I am, and it feels so good. This Saturday will be the first day in I can’t remember when, where I wear a full face of makeup. It was actually something I thought over a lot and discussed with others and I have no doubt in my mind that it’s the right decision. One of the reasons for doing this whole thing is to feel comfortable being simple and natural. The wedding this Saturday is definitely not an event to be simple for or even natural. I don’t usually look fancy, have my hair all done and stand on a stage watching my best friend get married. This is an event where I am specifically trying NOT to be my normal self. So soon I will get all dolled up and feel like someone else, and cry my eyes out and ruin my makeup because MY BEST FRIEND IS GETTING MARRIED! :D

P.S. Also my brother and his wife had the cutest little boy a couple months ago, and i'm so excited so I just wanted to throw in this for fun

Be Real, Don't Conceal: Rule Breaking

Okay so I cheated a little, but it’s okay because this is my challenge so I make my own rules ;) Since July 9, I have worn makeup one time. I had a breakout rash on my face due to an allergic reaction to a product. I didn’t want to deal with people asking me about it so I dabbed one a tiny bit of concealer. I’m sharing this just because I’m honest, but because I learned something from it that I would love to share. I almost didn’t do it. I asked my husbands opinion. Am I breaking my commitment? I asked.  “Well technically… Yes.” He replied. I sighed in frustration and said that I didn’t want to go to the event because I didn’t want to deal with people, and also because I was having an emotional week (fill in blanks for reason).  My confidence that week was not in a happy state(I had a meltdown about my shorts being too short, my friends will attest to that)

I said to Joe,

 “Well great. I guess I have to go like this!! I thought I didn’t care what people thought of me anymore, but I just don’t want to walk around feeling like people are wondering what is happening to the side of my face. But then I don’t want people to judge me for not following through with my commitment!” I said as I dramatically flung myself onto our bed face first, and sighed in my pillow. He looked at me calmly and said these words that changed my whole world, as he tended to do, he said,

“Wait a second. Are you doing this for you, or for other people.” I peeked at him and said,

“For me, of course. You know that! ” He looked at me skeptically and said, “Well if you wore some concealer, would you feel guilty about it? Would you feel like you were failing your challenge?”

 “Of course not! I wouldn’t even think of doing it if I felt that way. I would probably just throw on another day at the end of the year, but I would feel fine about it because I’m still learning all the same lessons from this experience. Putting on a little concealer one day doesn’t change that for me.”

“Well there’s your answer” he said.

 “You don’t get it, If I just secretly wear concealer then I’m not being real or having integrity.”

 “Well then tell people you are wearing concealer.”

“But then people will judge me.”

“I thought you were doing this for you.” I pondered his words and sighed again. He kissed me on the forehead and stared my straight in the eyes.

“Look, if you want to wear makeup, wear makeup. It’s pretty simple.”

You see, the whole entire point of this challenge is to feel okay to be natural and beautiful me. It’s to feel confident, flaw and all. It’s to look in the mirror and like what I see. It’s to be real and be authentic. I need to make sure that I am not just learning not to care about what people think about me when i’m my simple, beautiful self, but I need to learn to not worry about what people think of me in general. I do care about what people think to some extent. I write this blog because I want to challenge people and I want to inspire people, but I also want to be real. Having a rash on my face when I was feeling especially emotional and insecure wasn’t something that made me feel confident. It didn’t make me feel like I was my natural beautiful self.  I’m not sure if it was the technical right choice, and maybe it does mean that I did break my challenge. But that day I wanted to wear makeup, so I wore makeup and it was pretty simple.

The Day of the concealer and short shorts meltdown.

Be Real, Don't Conceal: Update

(Pulled from my journal)

It’s amazing how great it feels to throw on some clothes and just walk out of house, not worrying about what your face looks like, knowing that your face just looks like your face. It just makes you feel so remarkable to be out and about all day and know that your face looks the same way it looked that morning (except there’s probably pizza sauce around your mouth because you’re not the most elegant of eaters). Being makeup free has does something unexplainable to me. It’s made me feel extremely comfortable in my own skin. It’s created a confidence in myself on a level that I have never before experienced.

Over the past couple of years, I have been on this sort of self-journey and have found myself growing distant from the materialistic aspects of the world. Being makeup free has reinforced that distance. Falling in love with my natural, beautiful self has made me focus on improving and noticing the other aspects that make me beautiful.  Being makeup free may not seem like a big deal to you but as I’ve had to overcome the worst breakouts of my life this year due to humidity or hormones changes or something my dermatologist cant quite determine, I’ve had to challenge myself to walk out and be proud of the fact that I am not defined by my shell. I have gotten to know the dustiest corners of my soul and realized that who I am has nothing to do at all with my external appearance. For the first time in my life, it’s like I know exactly who I am.  I’m not saying that going makeup free is going to do this to all of you, because I don’t believe that this journey of epiphanies has happened from my lack of makeup alone. It’s what has come from it. My thoughts and actions have been inspired by it. It started as this little seed, and it started a movement in my life.

The first step is realizing that your shell does not define you. The steps that follow are you figuring out what you ARE defined by. If you aren’t sure, then figure out what you WANT to be defined by, and figure out the steps you need to take to get there.  Before all else, I want to be defined by my relationship with Jesus Christ. I know that my insurmountable Joy, passion and love come from him. They are my greatest gifts, the thing that make me beautiful. I’m not trying to be conceited by listing the things that I’m good at, but for the first time in my life, I’m 100% confident in those things. I know what I want to do and who I want to be, and it was all clarified the moment that I realized that none of those things have anything to do with my skin or with my bones. They stem from my soul, which will linger longer then my flesh ever could, and that is one of the most beautiful things I could possibly imagine.